Jokes!

I want to share some jokes here:) And if you know any jokes, please add them too:)

***
A man comes to the shop:
- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.
Half an hour later he comes again:
- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.
An hour later he comes again:
- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of... of Sprite. It seems Coca-cola makes me sick!

***


Traffic police stops a car.
Policeman: Did you drink today?
Driver: No.
Policeman: Breathe into the tube... Well, no alcohol is detected... Maybe the tube is broken… (breathes into the tube himself) No, it's working!

***

A mailman sees a big dog in the yard and hesitates to come in.
The owner of the dog says:
- Don't worry, it is castrated!
- Well, good... However, I was afraid it could bite me...

***


A call from lover:
- I missed you so much.
- Let's meet
- Where?
- At my place.
- What about husband?
- He is not at home! He is in the Internet.

***

One friend to another:
- Can you imagine? Yesterday I come home, open the wardrobe and see a naked man...
- Now wonder! All men sooner or later...
- But, I am not married!

***

Vovochka watches his mom trying on a new fur coat and says:
- Mom, don’t you understand that this fur coat is the result of terrible sufferings of the poor animal?
- How dare you to tell such things about your dad?!

***

In the plane. The pilot informs the passengers about the flight:
- We are at 10 thousand meters height. The speed is 700 meters per hour, the temperature... Ouch! Oh, my God! No...!

In two minutes the pilot makes announcement:
- I'm sorry. The stewardess spilled the hot coffee onto my pants. You should see my pants at the front!
One of the passengers:
- No, you should see our pants at the back!

***

The car hit her and a hundred yards away he stopped and looked back.
"Watch out!" he shouted.
The woman raised herself on her elbow and screamed, "Why -- are you coming back?"

***

Paddy and Kowalski are in town for a drinking spree. After a lot of drinking, they decide to go to the hundred-story-high, revolving, Roasting Rhinoceros Restaurant for some dinner. They choose a table overlooking the city lights, but have only been sitting there for a few minutes when both of them feel the need to pee.
"Can you tell us where the bathroom is?" Paddy slobbers at the head waiter.
"Certainly, sir," replies the waiter, pointing across the restaurant. "Just go down the passage over there, turn left and go two steps down."

The directions are repeated again for Kowalski, who is not quite sure he knows where he is, or what he is looking for. "Just remember," says the head waiter, "turn left and two steps down..." So, Paddy and Kowalski set off across the room and down the passage. They take the first door on the left and step inside, into the open elevator shaft. One hundred stories below, Paddy slowly picks himself up off the ground. "How do you feel?" Paddy asks his Polack friend, lying beside him.
"Not too bad," replies Kowalski. "But I don't think I can manage that second step."


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